


Ugly Sweaters On Christmas Eve

by MyHeartCanDream



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-04
Updated: 2013-01-04
Packaged: 2017-11-23 14:36:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/623253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyHeartCanDream/pseuds/MyHeartCanDream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jodi wanted a little one shot about why River would let the Doctor wear an ugly sweater. This is what came out of my brain. Merry Christmas!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ugly Sweaters On Christmas Eve

The Doctor exploded through the TARDIS doors, River at his heels. She turned back and fired several shots at their pursuers before slamming the door shut and joining him at the console.

"How are you still wearing those?" the Doctor asked, eyeing River's impossibly high heels.

River glanced down and smirked. "Flats are for quitters, sweetie."

He began to list the ways they were not at all practical for anything, but she took a step toward him and the emerald shimmer from the heels caught his eye and stole the words from his lips.

He watched them intently as they came closer. A hand lifted his chin and suddenly, the deep green shoes were replaced by the deep green gaze of his wife's eyes.

"We're going to be late." she whispered. Her mouth was so close to his he could _feel_ her words.

"It's fashionable to be late." he murmured as he hungrily pulled her hips flush against his. She watched him with amused eyes as he closed the distance between their mouths with a soft flick of his tongue.

The second time he kissed her, her eyes fluttered shut and she relaxed into him. His lips tightened into a grin as her tongue slipped between them for an instant. River broke away and pressed her forehead into his chest, making yet  _another_ mental note to restock her supply of contraceptives. This was getting ridiculous.

"Your sweater is giving me a headache." she said.

He looked down at the wild design and bright clashing colors and frowned. "You mean this sweater doesn't make you want to attack me like it does every alien race in the galaxy?"

She couldn't tell if he was joking or not, but she couldn't keep back her laughter. "I wouldn't even _consider_ fooling around with you while wearing that." she teased seductively.

He immediately began trying to rip it off, his smile returning with a determined edge. Her hands stopped his and he looked up.

" _Which is why_ it's perfect for the party. Come on, you, we're really late now."

River grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the door.

He tried not to pout as they stepped into Amy and Rory's front room.

"Good God, Doctor! What are you wearing?" Amy blurted without a hello. Her hand flew to her eyes and she looked away.

"What's wrong with it?" he asked, offended that his new sweater had gotten two not-so-nice reactions in less than five minutes, "River said I could wear it."

Amy glanced at her daughter with a horrified look.

"Alright, mum, lets get dinner set." she said quickly, guiding her to the kitchen before the fiery Scot could say aloud what she was saying with her eyes.

"Why would you let him wear that? Where did it even come from?"she started the second the door was closed.

"Somewhere in Queens, I think it was." River answered as she took the punch out of the fridge.

"You let him _buy_ that?"

"Yes." River said , staring at the punch she was stirring.

"Why? It's so---"

"Because I wanted him to be happy." she said.

Amy wasn't convinced. "You're lying."

"So what if I am?" River shrugged and began moving food to the dining room.

Amy wrinkled her forehead and thought for a moment. Her eyes widened suddenly. "Oh my God. You're using that disgusting thing as _birth control_?!" she whispered harshly.

River looked horrified.

"Mother!"

"You are, aren't you."

"I wouldn't exactly call it--"

"Wouldn't exactly call it what?" Amy interrupted, "It is what it is, Melody. Oh my--"

River rolled her eyes. "That sweater has made more enemies for us in a week than the man wearing it has in 1200 years. We've been running every second we're outside of the TARDIS."

"What about the rest of the time?" Amy asked with a smirk.

River glared at her and said nothing, choosing instead to wash her hands and ignore the question completely. She soon regretted not saying anything as Amy began laughing again, assuming the answer on her own.

"I have an idea. What if you just tell him you don't want to have a baby. Or maybe use protection. Hell, take the pill, Melody. What is wrong with you?" Amy was in hysterics, laughing harder with each suggestion.

River threw the hand towel at her and walked back out to join her father and husband. She almost laughed out loud at the look on her father's face. He was obviously feeling the effects of the sweater as well and trying not to be rude about it.

"Hello, dad!" she said cheerfully. He hugged her and muttered something about Amy needing help as he ran out of the room.

"I don't understand what--"

River scrunched her nose and pressed a finger to his lips.

"Take it off." she pleaded, pulling at his sweater. He helped her, confusion on his face.

Once it was safely smoldering in the fireplace, she pulled him behind the TARDIS and grabbed his face with both hands.

"Sweetie, _never_ buy something like that again." she whispered, "Stick with the bow ties."

She felt her pulse race as her eyes took in his white t-shirt and dress pants. Quickly, her eyes clamped shut and she buried her face in his arm.

"Promise me no fooling around." she pleaded.

"But River it's Christmas Eve! We _always_ \--"

She fixed him with a glare and he swallowed.

"I promise." he squeaked.

"Good." she said with a smile.

"DINNER!!"

\------

"See you guys! Be safe!"

"Goodnight! Happy Christmas!"

The Doctor flew the TARDIS into the vortex and turned to River.

"Happy Christmas."

She smiled and sat down on the sofa.

"Happy Christmas, my love."

He stood in front of her and brushed a curl out of her tired eyes.

She grabbed his hand and pressed it to her cheek with a kiss.

"Can I ask you why exactly you burned my sweater?" he asked, sitting next to her.

She curled into his lap and sighed. "Because it was causing more trouble than it was preventing."

"What trouble was it preventing?"

River laughed. "What else is a ghastly thing like that for? Children."

He made a face and began to laugh. "You were using a _sweater_ to--"

"Oh, alright, that's enough out of you." She rolled her eyes and stood, but he wasn't finished teasing.

"I don't understand why we can't have a little fun on Christmas Eve, River."

She glared and crossed her arms over her chest.

He stood and roughly pulled her tight against him. "Just a _little_ bit of fun..." he trailed off and pressed a long kiss to her ear. She tried to move away, but she was frozen in place.

"Stop it, you promised." she whispered breathlessly as his hand pulled the zipper of her dress.

His hand stopped and he lifted her chin to meet his gaze.

"I promised." he confirmed.

She relaxed and smiled at him. His hands dropped lower and lower against his will. She laughed and stopped them both.

"Don't push it."

He threw his hands up in mock defense and she laughed.

"Time for bed, I think, sweetie." she said, turning for the hallway.

"I cant go to bed yet. It's Christmas Eve, River. I have gifts to deliver, remember?"

She smiled and nodded. "Nearly forgot in all the excitement."

He pulled on his jacket and she handed him his fluffy Santa hat.

He turned to the console, then spun back around.

"Almost forgot." He reached deep into his pocket and dug around for a few seconds before pulling out a little box wrapped in silver paper and red ribbon.

He wrapped her hand around it and kissed her. "The first stop is most important."

She smiled and turned toward bed. "Don't be too long, sweetie. And go the normal way, not down the chimney. It took seven washings to get all the soot out of your shirt last year."

He laughed and ushered her off, assuring her he would be good.

When she was alone in her room, she studied the little box carefully. It was bigger on the inside. Her fingers lifted the corner of the paper and pulled. She laughed as she studied the contents of the box.

"Idiot..." she muttered.

She turned the box upside down and hundreds of condoms and boxes of birth control poured onto the blankets. Then, something else landed on top of the pile and she set the box down to pick it up.

Another box.

 

She tore off the paper and opened the lid to find a note on top of some tissue paper.

  
_River,_   


_If I absolutely had to pick an option, I would pick anything from the first box, but if you really want to do things the hard way, I thought it was only fair._

  
_xxxx_ _  
_   


 

River suppressed a grin and pulled at the tissue paper. Underneath it was a set of matching sweaters even more atrocious than the first.

 

"There is no way in hell I'm putting that on..." she muttered, holding her sweater up to see it properly.

 

"I thought you might say that."

 

She jumped and put down the sweater. The Doctor was in the doorway watching her.

 

"I thought you had gifts to deliver?" she said, ignoring his smug look.

 

"I did. I finished already. It's bloody cold in Poland this year." He came over and moved the pile over so he could sit next to her.

 

"It's bloody cold in Poland every year, sweetie." she said, gathering up the sweaters and walking over to the fireplace.

 

"Oi! I didn't say burn them!" he shouted, leaping to his feet and taking them safely away from her.

 

"I'm not wearing that." she insisted.

 

"Are you sure? Because I promised no fooling around, but if--"

 

River laughed. " _That_ is what you're using to keep away from me?" she teased.

 

He raised an eyebrow and looked her up an down. "What else is going to? You make me crazy and I can't help it."

 

"But you promised."

 

"Yes, I did, and I swear I'll try, but, River, just--just _look_ at you!"

 

She looked down at her plain white sweater and jeans. "What about me?"

 

He made a frustrated noise and pulled her in front of the full length mirror. "Look." he insisted. His hands rested on her hips and sent shivers up her spine. "You are incredibly beautiful. I love holding you in my arms and knowing you're mine forever."

 

He spun her around to look at him and smiled. "Take your shoes off."

 

"What?" she asked, confused.

 

"Take your shoes off." he repeated.

 

She slipped one foot out and lowered herself to her natural height, then kicked off the other one.

 

"There," he said smugly, "Now you _are_  a quitter and I can break my promise."

 

River slapped his arm and picked up her shoes to put away.

 

"I didn't quit. You made me take them off."

 

He pulled her into him and his lips crashed into hers. She froze for a moment, but melted into his kiss as his teeth tugged at her bottom lip.

 

The Doctor broke away from her lips and let his tongue run along her jaw.

 

"I made you quit?" he whispered. She gasped and nodded as his teeth bit her earlobe.

 

"Well then we're even because you're about to make me break my promise."

**Author's Note:**

> See because my cousins and I have this ugly sweater joke where we just blatantly tell everyone the most effective use for an ugly sweater is, in fact, as birth control. *holds a hand up for all the high-fives* And then we go about wearing them anyway and popping out as many babies as our men/houses/time/va-jey-jeys/bank accounts can handle. Mark my words, one day we will take over the world with this! WE WILL RULE EARTH, PEASANTS!!!!!
> 
> I'm kidding. We just like to believe our efforts in re-population aren't going unnoticed.


End file.
